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The Friday tweets

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londonsean69 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote londonsean69 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Jun 2016 at 15:23

A little light relief just before I leave the office Clap

 


Who put the ‘аrѕé’ in Marseille? A load of budget ferries and EasyJet flights it seems.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; there’s a bloody echo in this room.

A guy was selling cheap Oasis tobacco in the pub last night. You gotta roll with it.

A couple I know who are both managers in John Lewis have sadly split up. They were having problems in the bedroom department.

They say dogs are man’s best friend but none of my friends hump my leg in public.  OK, Steve, but he’s been so very lonely since Jill left.

I threw a paddy when they expelled me from the Irish dancing club for being too aggressive.

Yet another female athlete has failed a drugs test! She sounded East European, - Anna Bolix-Terroyd, I think her name was.

My favourite Russian Euro hooligan’s name: - Putin the Butin.

After applying for a number of jobs, I’ve received one offer of work on an oil rig and there could be more in the pipeline.

In America, if you are ‘píѕѕed’ it means you’re angry. In Britain it means your partner’s angry.

“Right, I’ve poisoned Ivana & shot Donald as per your suggestion.”
“You numpty. I meant the bloody card game, ‘Top Trumps’!”

I like to call myself an event organiser. But the judge insisted on “arsonist”.

DOCTOR: “Don’t be embarrassed. Taking the trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.”
ME: “Um…OK – should I take mine off too?”

I tried one of those trendy coffee enemas. I wish someone had told me you’re supposed to take it out of the jar first.

Last night I discovered it’s not called ‘the hymen-lick manoeuvre’. Related news: I’m now barred from Pizza Hut.

About this time of year I buy some creosote for the guy who sells my stolen goods. It’s time to treat my fence.

People go on and on about their fear of heights. I suffer from vertigo but you don’t hear me shouting it from the rooftops.

I really can’t see the point of phone sex. The handset’s stuck and it hurts like hell.

We’re going to marriage counselling tonight and I can’t find my ‘I’m with Stupid’ t-shirt.
Oh, wait, - my wife’s wearing it.

Sad to see a bunch of big strapping men crying inconsolably at Euro 2016. Still, that’s tear gas for you.

Cheers

Sean

A few of my pics - www.arrowpix.com
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote cwp Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Jun 2016 at 16:39
born ugly what's your excuse!!
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londonsean69 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote londonsean69 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jun 2016 at 11:10

And the first Friday tweets of the brave new world Smile

 

The markets are going nuts over the referendum results. In Walthamstow it’s now 12 bic lighters for a quid.

Last Sunday, I was truly humbled to be voted Best Dad in the World yet again. I’ll wear the socks with pride. Thanks to everyone for their votes.

Our vet always uses complicated phrases like ‘fertility neutralised female animal’.
Why doesn’t he just call a speyed a speyed?

My wife entered a 60s dance competition to win some ѕexy underwear, despite my warning, “Don’t get your knіckers in a twist.”

‘All free men have the right to purchase chocolate-covered ice cream on a stick.’- Magnum Carta

When I lost my favourite Beatles movie DVD, I sobbed my heart out but that was probably just a cry for Help!

Just finished therapy. I hope I’m now cured of getting aroused & grabbing my willy in public. Touch wood.

One of my favourite quotes from Sir Isaac Newton: - “Ouch!......ow!….fuсkіng apple tree!”

Well it’s one for the money
Two for the show
Three to get ready
Four to hold and speak to a member of staff.
- Elvis hotline

My pencil isn’t prone to making Freudian slips, but my penіs.

I’ve just bought a baby bouncer. I’m fed up of those babies trying to gate-crash my club.

“♪ Take a chance, take a chance, take a take a chance chance…♪”
“ALRIGHT, I’M DOING IT!”…God I hate playing monopoly with Abba.

I’ve just been looking through my old computer hard drives. Ah, so many memories!

When cooking Alphabet Soup, don't leave it unattended, it could spell disaster.

Angela Merkel arrives in Athens airport.
          Immigration guy: “Nationality?”
          Merkel: "German,"
          "Occupation?"
          "No, just a holiday."

Midge Ure has a brother called Horseman. He smells a bit.

ME: “Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?”
PSYCHIATRIST: “Get out of my chair.”
                  
To those upset about my cross-dressing, I wish to announce that I’ve stopped wearing a bra. (I just wanted to get that off my chest).

I’d just like to say well done to everyone asking how I like my steak.

We named our first daughter Daisy after my wife’s favourite flower. I feel sorry for our second, named after her favourite bird. (Rough-faced shаg).

 

Cheers

Sean

A few of my pics - www.arrowpix.com
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote snox Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jun 2016 at 11:13
Just what I needed , keep um coming mate .
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londonsean69 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote londonsean69 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Jul 2016 at 15:44

Happy Friday

 

 


“Very kind of you, but you do know I’m the toilet cleaner, don’t you?”
“No, you’re now Shadow Environment Minister, OK?”
“Thank you Mr Corbyn.”

I don’t really have a poker face but thanks to childhood rickets, I have got fireside tongs legs.

My car’s at a main dealer garage getting some work done. In related news, I’m online trying to sell one of my kidneys.

BREAKING NEWS: Local man learns to do Origami in reverse. More on this as it unfolds.

They say an erotic writer is hacking people’s tweets and making them push and thruѕt until she screamed with luѕtful fury…

“Any two-watt bulbs?”
“For what?”
“That’ll do. I’ll take two?”
“Two what?”
“I thought you didn’t have any.”
“Any what?”
“Yes please.”

Those push-up bras don’t work. I bought one for my girlfriend, and she can still only manage six push-ups before her arms get tired. Bloody swindle!

I always get beaten at chess by my Czech mate.

After a heated argument I sacked our cleaner last week. I might hire another one, now the dust has settled.

Although Groucho, Chico & Harpo Marx were hugely successful, their brother Skid was a lot less popular.

My wife’s gone back on the game and I’m heartbroken. Why can’t she get her own X-box.

Mythbuster: - Sir Francis Drake’s wife was NOT called Sir Frances Duck.

I have IBS like my father and grandfather. Runs in the family.

A guy on Masterchef got himself into a right state, making a hybrid of a pilaf and a pavlova. What a palaver that was.

“Doctor, I’ve swallowed a fishbone.”
“Are you choking?”
“No, I’m bloody serious.”

I get annoyed with those dozy people who get clichés wrong. They should wake up and smell the toffee.

Neil Diamond is the name of an American singer-songwriter. It’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose.

I’ve heard that Hіtler could sometimes really stare at you, but this might just be Nazі proper gander.

Liam Neeson rejected script:
“You stole my favourite frying pan. I will track you down, I will find you & I will kill you. I have a particular set of skillets.”

I saw my priest at a strip club just outside town. It was awkward but I have to admit he was surprisingly flexible on that pole.

You know the embarrassment of saying “When’s it due?” and the lady’s just fat? Well, I never thought I’d live to hear a nun call me an аrѕehоle.

Cheers

Sean

A few of my pics - www.arrowpix.com
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote cwp Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Jul 2016 at 15:59
born ugly what's your excuse!!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote grumpy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Jul 2016 at 19:00
cheered me up on a crappy Friday!
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